Sometimes being a Dad sucks

     So often you get on the internet and you find blogs about the joys of parenthood.  You read about all the joys of having kids and yes it's all true.  My kids give me more joy than I could have ever imagined.  Laying down my life for them in not even a question.  They have made me laugh harder than any comedian or movie ever has.  But at the same time they have brought tears to my eyes.  Yes at times they have done things that hurt me or disappointed me. Worse than that is when they hurt because life is hard and you cannot shield them from the pain.

     Four years ago my wife Lori and I brought home the cutest puppy.  Our kids had been asking for a dog for a while and we would look at them from time to time.  It was a very hard decision for us as we don't have a lot of family to help us care for him.  We knew we were giving up weekend getaways that we regularly enjoyed.  We would have to make visits to friends and family short so we could get home to let him out.  But on that day we saw our little brown ball of fur and we knew we needed to bring him home.  We told all the kids to sit on the couch as we had a surprise.  He stayed quite and we placed him on the living room floor.  We told them to open their eyes and the look on their faces were priceless.  He ran over to them and tried to jump on the couch but it was too high.  We told them to pick him up and my oldest picked him up and started to cry.  Love at first sight is possible.  He tried to hide the tears and he did a good job but I saw them on the video replay.  He was so small, brown with one white paw.  I called him Buster brown on the way home and the name stuck.

    Over the years Buster became such a huge part of our lives.  He was our shared love and joy.  He made us laugh when a lonely fart would sneak out and scare him.  We loved watching him as he would try to bury his rawhide bones in the couch.  He would entertain us when I would give him a empty 20 oz pop bottle that I would tightened the cap on making the bottle have no give.  He would try to pick it up only to have it shoot out of his mouth and across the floor.  He would chase it and do it again.  But most of all he loved us.  He would greet all of us at the door.  He would lick each and every one of us as we came into the house.  He always wanted to be close to us and his favorite was his "mama".  He loved my wife and spent most of his time curled up next to her.

     My oldest son referred to him as his best friend.  So when Buster started to act a little strange we became concerned.  He acted like it hurt to pee.  We called the vet and they couldn't see him until the next day.  A bladder infection was what we thought as he started peeing in the house but soon he wasn't going at all.  We would take him out and he would try but nothing would happen.  About four in the morning he started crying and barking.  We tried to comfort him.  By seven Lori took him to the vet and he was making the worst sounds.  Moaning like a person.  We never would have thought that within eight hours he wouldn't be with us any longer.

     At about 2 pm Lori called me at work and I came home fast.  The x-rays were in and the news wasn't good.  We had to act fast because he had a bladder stone in his urinary tract that was blocking his urine and if we didn't do something soon it would explode.  The vet had never seen such a big stone for such a small dog.  It was the size for a lab, not a 20 pound dog.  He could not give any guarantee that anything we did would help.

     We sat the kids down and explained to them what was going on.  We could do all the things the vet said and try to save him or we could let him go.  Trying meant thousands of dollars with the slimmest chance it would work.  It was the hardest conversation we have ever had.  I just couldn't look at my kids, their eyes were so full of tears.  Wetting their shirts as they rolled off their faces.  Nobody would answer us.  So Lori and I told them that we think its best to let him go but that if any of them want to try to save him we will.  Finally my oldest spoke up and said three words I will never forget him saying.  "Put him down"  It had to be the hardest thing he ever did.  In saying that he knew his best friend was no longer going to be with us.

     Lori and I looked at each other and she asked me to call the vet as tears filled her eyes.  I said OK.  We walked downstairs to my office and I told her that I didn't think I could say the words.  I knew that by calling I will be giving the orders to have our dog put down and to never return.  I knew that making that call would put into motion hurt for all of us.  I did not want to do it.  There are times you have to man up and take it for everyone else.  I told Lori that I will pay what ever it takes if  the result of what I was about to do meant that someone would hate me.  She said I love you and I know you would.  I walked back and forth crossing the floor gathering my thoughts and holding back the tears. I picked up the phone and dialed the number.

     When I hung up the phone I broke into tears and told her we needed to go say goodbye.  We called the kids downstairs and we gathered for prayer.  I lead us in a prayer asking for Busters suffering to be over.  For us and our hurt.  Our broken hearts.  I hugged everyone and we gathered ourselves and drove in silence to the vet.

     We arrived and they brought Buster out.  They had him in pain medication but the way he walked you could tell he was still in some pain.  They took us to a back room and left us to say good bye. Lori and the kids took time petting him.  He walked around confused and never licked any of us.  I stood watching my family have it's heart broken unable to do anything.  Their tears triggered mine. They all kept petting him and telling him how much they loved him.

     I finally got down on the floor to say good bye.  I pet him for a second and then I put my head down on him and all the hurt that I was holding back opened up and I cried like I never have in front of everyone.  I was a slobbering baby.  My furry buddy was about to die and my wife and kid's hearts were being split in two.  My protection mode was going but there was not a thing I could do.  There was no way for me to prevent the events of the day.  My mind raced, I bargained, I pleaded, and I could do nothing.

     Yes my children are wonderful.  They are the most special and important thing in my life.  I do understand that someday the wound will have healed.  I also understand that if used right this situation will make us stronger as individuals and as a family.  But my protective side hurts for now,  Having to make that call, having to tell my kids such hurtful news, and not being able to protect from the situation makes me realize that sometimes it sucks being a Dad.

What I want for Christmas

Recently while watching an early morning news program, you know the type, full of news cooking and fashion segments. They were discussing Facebook adding a dislike button. Now I would be the first to click that button when I read a post that said something like "Our son threw up his entire spaghetti dinner on the living room carpet." I don't think anyone would argue that that was the situation we all would dislike. Any of us parents understand the time it takes to clean up such a mess. But what has me worried about a dislike button is the divide that we already have and how the dislike button would be used. We have become a country that is divided. We have found ourselves picking sides and looking for winners and losers. Of course we all want to be the winner.

Since we are young we are taught to pick teams. When we pick teams there are two sides. One will be the winner and one will be the loser. We all want to be on the winning team. In the spirit of the game we trash talk the other team. That type of behavior is all good and fine when done in a fun and respectful way.  But because we choose sides instead of focusing on each other as individuals we have become so divided as that we have become exactly what we tell our kids not to be.  Bullies!  We feel the need to win at no matter the cost. When there is a winner there is a loser. We have become extra brave when we hide behind our keyboard. We say things that we would never say to somebody's face. We feel the need to point out to the world how "horrible" someone is when they don't believe the same things we do.  We no longer believe in "I disagree with you but I will defend your right to say it" we now believe if you don't think the way I do you should sit down and shut up. Not only should you shut up you deserve to be called names, made fun of and hated. In fact we will join together with like minded people to scorn you just like bullies do. If you are in the public we believe you deserve the attacks about you and your family even more. In fact maybe you should lose your job. Maybe you should have your entire life destroyed.  In fact we cheer on the demise of others and feel a sense of victory when they go down in flames. We want to see the other "side" fail. We call for their destruction and we celebrate it with glee.

For Christmas I want us to return to a place of decency. A place of respect for our fellow women and men. A place where we remove the plank in our own eye first. A place where we judge actions and quit assigning motives to the heart. A man steals a red kettle. He is a thief. His actions tell us so. Our first reaction would be to call him scum. A heartless man for taking money from those who are in need. We have judged his heart. That very man may have taken it to feed his family. How do you feel about him then? Judge the action not the heart for that is the true meaning of do not judge others.

Love is a verb. Love is a action. Love is not what you feel but rather love is what you give. To truly show love you must be patient to those whom you disagree with. To those who offend you kindness maybe in order. Love is not approving of everything someone does but love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love is the answer to what we are all asking. Love conquers all. Love is what I want for Christmas. What do you want?

As for me I will continue to spread love. I will take action. I will judge a man by his actions and not judge his heart. I will wish my enemies well and pray for them. I will love those who do not love me. Merry Christmas. May you be the recipient of love this year.

Blessings

     In my up coming book "Growing Up Nobody" I write about the fond memories I have of Thanksgiving at my Grandparents home.  All the kids would be playing.  Football, board games and Lego's occupied our time.  The men sat in the living room watching the parade or the game and the women would be in the kitchen preparing the meal that would soon be making it's way into our bellies.  There would be more pans on the stove than there were burners.  A careful balancing act was performed to keep all the items warm until it was time to eat.

     We would all pile into the small dining room with the kids sitting at a small folding table a.k.a. the kids table.  The smells of the food filling our noses we would be told to wait as we needed to say grace.  My immediate family never prayed and I always felt uncomfortable.  The prayer of course was filled with things we were grateful for including our shelter and the food we were staring at with one open eye. 

     For years I have heard people describe their blessings and they always included those basic items.  They also included things like health, peace and friendships.  But I have never heard anyone say they are thankful for the trials in their lives.  We say things like "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" and hold up people who over come adversity.  We all love a underdog story.  Even Edgar Allan Poe said "Never to suffer would never to have been blessed."

     So why don't we embrace our struggles and be thankful for them?  Even small trials are character builders.  They are the things that form who we are.  So much of how we react, feel, and our beliefs are formed in those moments. 

     While we are faced with the pain and hurt of our trials we cannot see what good can come from it.  For most of my life I faced one trial after another.  Many of them piled one on top of the other.  I couldn't understand why I was facing all the things that came my way and I felt like I was being punished.  I had no idea that years later my story would bring hope to people.  When I watched my dad take is last breath I had no idea it would give me empathy for those who have lost someone close.  I had no idea that when I was being bullied in school that I would be able to relate to someone who feels worthless.  I also never imagined that I would be opening myself up by putting it all down in a book.  But I am thankful for all that I have been through because it has made me who I am today.

     This Thanksgiving be thankful for your heartaches and your trials.  Be thankful that you have had the opportunity to grow.  You are who you are today because of your experiences good and bad.  Embrace them, learn from them, and use them to improve your life and use them to improve the life of others.  Nobody knows better what is down the road than those who have walked it before.  After all there is no light without the darkness.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Tim "Timo" Olson

Author of

"Growing Up Nobody"

to be released soon